I hope all you moms out there have a great Mother's Day and take some time to relax. I love this Family Circus cartoon - as if moms who stay home DON'T work? All moms work, it doesn't matter where we are.
I wrote this parody a few years ago, before being a stay at home mom was cool, and wanted to share it with my mom friends out in the blogosphere. Maybe you will get a laugh!
Oh, You are Just a Stay at Home Mom?Moms, does any of this sound familiar?
8:00 AM. Kiss husband goodbye; wish you were the one leaving. Tell child "NO" when he asks if he can have jellybeans for breakfast. Fix nutritional breakfast, watch kids pick at it. Take older child to bus stop. Repeatedly tell children to stay out of the street. Discuss merits of different kinds of floor cleaners with other moms at bus stop. Realize you haven't mopped the floor in about 2 weeks. Feel no remorse about this fact.
Pick up phone to call dentist. After being placed on hold for 5 minutes and receptionist finally answers, hear your child scream in the background, “Will you WIPE me?" Hope that receptionist also has small child. Make appointment. Wipe child. Wonder if changing the toilet paper spindle can be considered a prerequisite for gainful employment.
Start laundry. Wonder if laundry multiplies at night. Wonder if Oprah does her own laundry. Decide that she does not, because she only wears something once before outgrowing it. Laugh to yourself. Hear child yell from other room, "I'm THIRSTY!!!!" Reply back to child, "Wow, and all this time I thought your name was Mitchell!" Child not amused by sarcastic remark. Get child drink. Watch child spill drink. Clean up drink. Wonder if you should be a waitress, at least you would get paid and get whistled at every once in a while. Continue doing laundry.
Turn on computer to check e-mail. Let child play on computer so you can have some peace. Call 24-hour bank by phone line to hear an adult's voice.
Hear child whine, "Mommmmmmmmy, play with me!” Ask child to decide what to play. Concede to wearing stainless steel colander on head to play astronauts. Wonder if this is why you went to college. Play astronauts for approximately 2 minutes until child becomes bored. Play matchbox cars. Examine cars, remember stepping on that particular one in the middle of the night and realize why it hurt. Play blocks. Watch child become frustrated. Decide to run errands.
Ask child to use the bathroom before leaving the house. Child claims he does not have to go. Set example and use bathroom. Realize that you have not been alone in the bathroom since January 1994. Use broken record technique; ask child this question again and again. Secure child in car seat. Drive for approx 4 minutes and hear child say, "I have to go potty." Sigh and say "Ugh" while rolling eyes. Refrain from the "I told you to go before we left the house" lecture. Find fast food restaurant with clean bathroom. Drop by grocery store for 2 items. Eat samples. Hope there are enough samples to qualify for a meal. Be disappointed. Ask child for the 25th time not to hang on you.
Return home from running errands. Say "NO" when child asks if he can have ice cream for lunch. Fix nutritious lunch. Watch child pick at it. Explain the benefits of a nap. Try to convince child to take nap. Bribe child to take nap. Fail. Continue doing laundry. Let child color. Watch child color his arms with magic marker. Despise mother-in-law for giving a 3-year-old magic markers for his birthday. Sigh and say "Ugh” while rolling eyes.
Pick up older child from school. Prepare nutritious snack. Watch child pick at it. Listen to symphony of "I'm telling!!" , "She hit me!!!" , And "We're hungry!!!" For approximately 1 hour. Go to park. Watch as children take off their shoes and fill them with sand. Watch as other children eat sand. Be glad you only have 2 children. Wonder how birth control pills really work.
Spend 2 hours preparing nutritious, well-balanced meal. Wonder if anything with "Helper" in the name of it could possibly be healthy for humans to eat. Call family to table. Listen as children say, "I don't want to eat that, it looks yucky. " Reply with, "Fine, see ya at breakfast." Avoid, "Why we don't waste food" lecture. Clean up dishes. Wonder how Tupperware is made. Continue laundry.
Bathe children. Clean water off of bathroom floor. Tell six-year-old daughter "NO" when she asks if she can wear black nail polish. Put children to bed. Realize that there is nothing thirstier than a four-year-old at bedtime. Remember what it was like to get a paycheck. Feel drained and directionless in life. Wish that Seinfeld was on RIGHT NOW so you could laugh. Do video laps with the remote control and realize that even though you have 64 channels and pay $40 a month for cable, no decent programs are ever on. Decide to watch Emeril cook and say "BAM!" Become irritated. Converse with spouse. Try to control yourself when he says, "So, did you do anything today?" Give up on laundry. It will never end.
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